Part 1/28
Three scientists—Papaia, Banani, and Ravioli—and their assistant Igor, who all work at NASAL, start showing an interest in creationism. Worried, their superiors send them to see a psychologist: Professor Faggioli, a questionable figure determined to get them fired by making them seem insane.
We’re in Faggioli’s office, where Papaia is undergoing a psychological evaluation.
FAGGIOLI
Well, Professor Papaia. We’ve reached the end. I just have one last question for you. Tell me… how did you spend your Sunday?
PAPAIA
Oh, Sunday? Wonderful! I woke up… dunno, around half past twelve.
FAGGIOLI
Half past twelve… I see.
(gritting his teeth slightly, jotting down a sharp note)
And then?
PAPAIA
Then I had breakfast: coffee with almond milk and two expired marshmallows—but still nice and chewy! Then I thought: “Time to mow the lawn!”
FAGGIOLI
At… one o’clock, I suppose?
PAPAIA
Yep! Only thing was, the gas can was empty. So I grabbed it and went to the gas station… in my flip-flops.
FAGGIOLI
(tensing up)
In… flip-flops?
PAPAIA
Yeah! And with a bag of ketchup-flavored chips too.
FAGGIOLI
(tapping his pen sharply on the notebook)
You ate… chips. At the gas station.
PAPAIA
Exactly! And then, by accident, I spilled some gasoline on my socks.
FAGGIOLI
(completely rigid, jaw clenched, staring at Papaia)
Right. Fantastic.
IGOR
Papaia’s Sunday… truly productive… Nobel on the way. 🤣
…Sorry, Faggioli… but what kind of question is “What did you do on Sunday?” What’s it for? To check if Papaia says, “I spent the day talking to voices in my head”? 🤣
…Are we really at this level of testing? Next thing you know, you’ll ask if he folds his socks properly. 🤣
…Ah, perfect… so now we’re assessing mental stability based on gas station chip consumption… excellent method. 🤣
Part 2/28
Faggioli’s Office.
FAGGIOLI
So. You filled the gas can at the station.
PAPAIA
Yes.
FAGGIOLI
Material?
PAPAIA
Huh?
FAGGIOLI
What material was it? The can.
PAPAIA
Plastic… I think?
FAGGIOLI
Brand?
PAPAIA
Huh?
FAGGIOLI
Brand. Was there a name written on it?
PAPAIA
I didn’t notice…
FAGGIOLI
Exact capacity?
PAPAIA
Ten? Maybe?
FAGGIOLI
Color?
PAPAIA
White or gray… like… like a can.
FAGGIOLI
Cap? Screw-on, bayonet, press-fit, threaded?
PAPAIA
(embarrassed)
It was… a cap. You had to screw it off.
FAGGIOLI
Retractable spout or separate tube?
PAPAIA
It was… a tube…? I dunno…
FAGGIOLI
(sighs)
UN certified or not?
PAPAIA
(looks around nervously)
I… don’t know?
FAGGIOLI
Graduated markings on the side?
PAPAIA
Maybe? I didn’t pay attention.
FAGGIOLI
Internal gasket? Rubber, silicone… or none?
PAPAIA
Professor… I just grabbed it.
FAGGIOLI
Smooth or textured surface?
PAPAIA
Textu… what?
FAGGIOLI
Textured. Like… with anti-slip grip for sweaty hands?
PAPAIA
I don’t remember.
FAGGIOLI
Number of ribs on the left side?
PAPAIA
Huh?
FAGGIOLI
(more intense)
Bellows at the neck: wide or narrow?
Did it smell like new plastic or like leftover fuel?
Did you hear a “click” when opening the cap or just a dull “thunk”?
Was the label a sticker or hot-stamped?
Did you count the cap turns? The turns, Papaia!
PAPAIA
I don’t know.
IGOR
It was textured… like your brain, Faggioli. 🤣
Only… the can was… more useful. 🤣
Part 3/28
Faggioli’s Office – Scene 3
FAGGIOLI
(Pause. Fixed stare, voice lowers.)
So we know nothing about the can.
Bad. Very bad.
You… mowed the lawn in flip-flops… and then left the can empty.
PAPAIA
No. Wait, the can was already empty.
FAGGIOLI
WORSE!
You’ve desecrated an agricultural act.
A green blasphemy… uttered right in the middle of the garden.
IGOR
Worse… you’ve written a black page in the history of gardening. 🤣
(softly)
The weed whackers are already judging you. 🤣
Faggioli takes a deep breath.
FAGGIOLI
When I was a child… we didn’t touch the soil on a whim.
We tilled it with respect. With real hunger.
My father… now he knew how to raise a son.
(rigid smile)
He’d wake us up before sunrise… without a word.
We’d go down in silence… like soldiers.
The earth was our teacher. The hoe, our only tool.
(his voice cracks slightly)
Once, my brother put sugar in his coffee.
He made us kneel on dried chickpeas. All of us. Even me, even though I hadn’t done anything.
“So you’ll learn the value of unity,” he said.
It was right. He was right.
IGOR
(under his breath, sarcastic)
Yeah… and they say sugar’s only bad for your teeth… 🤣
FAGGIOLI
(turning his glare back to Papaia)
And you… use… a lawnmower! A vulgar lawnmower!
(whispering, with contempt)
A slap in the face of agriculture.
And an insult to the memory of those who built with their calloused hands.
IGOR
(whispering)
And there it is… now we’re officially at war with the farming sector. 🤣
…Watch out, Papaia… next thing you know, you’ll end up on the farmers’ blacklist. 🤣
Part 4/28
Waiting Room
RAVIOLI
Is there any other evidence?
PACO
There’s the DNA found in “ancient” bacteria.
RAVIOLI
DNA? You mean organic material?
PACO
Exactly. And still intact.
BANANI
And how “ancient” are these bacteria supposed to be?
PACO
Pretty ancient. Even the scientists were surprised to find the DNA still intact after a supposed 250 million years.
Part 5/28
Faggioli’s Office
FAGGIOLI
(His tone grows more solemn, almost religious.)
The lawnmower… is an outrage.
A machine that devours without respect.
The earth, Papaia… the earth is tilled.
With a hoe.
Hand, heart, and hard work.
Tilling isn’t just about removing weeds.
It’s an ancient ritual.
A dialogue with the soil.
That mechanical buzzing… it’s an insult to patience,
a wound in tradition.
If you want to love the land,
you take a hoe,
and you work slowly,
because every clod tells a story.
The lawnmower?
It’s just haste, distraction, and ignorance.
PAPAIA
Ah… I’m sorry. I didn’t know.
FAGGIOLI
(Quiet, firm voice)
“You didn’t know,” huh?
If my father had seen someone mowing the lawn with that cursed lawnmower…
he wouldn’t have said a word…
He would’ve grabbed that lawnmower by force
and smashed it with the hoe, without hesitation.
Because the land deserves respect,
not to be challenged by noisy machines.
And whoever dares to do so…
deserves neither pity nor words.
IGOR
(under his breath, sarcastic)
Faggioli’s father… at the bar they called him “Hoe-Everything.”
He’d hoe through TVs, lawnmowers… even textured gas cans. 🤣
Part 6/28
Faggioli’s Office – Scene 6
FAGGIOLI
Because you can’t just start hoeing around at random, you understand?
The earth feels.
The hoe… responds.
IGOR
Yeah… it responds: “Buy a tractor… and leave me alone.” 🤣
(Faggioli stands up, slowly circling around Papaia like a predator.)
FAGGIOLI
You take a hoe… you look at it.
Is it long? Is it short?
Does it lean to the right… or to the left?
Does it go clink when you shake it… or clunk?
And if it rains? Does the handle change? Does the soul change, Papaia!
IGOR
If he keeps this up… soon the hoe will have voting rights too. 🤣
(Papaia blinks. Faggioli stares into space.)
FAGGIOLI (dreamily)
My father…
He used to say: “Son… whoever doesn’t know the hoe… will never know love.”
One day I told him: “But Dad… I want to study psychology.”
He cried…
Then he buried a television…
With the hoe.
IGOR
And… what did the TV have to do with psychology? 🤣
…I mean, what was it even doing there? I always thought a guy like Faggioli’s dad spent his evenings watching plants grow! 🤣
…Maybe… when everyone was asleep… he secretly watched Dynasty! 🤣
…Maybe he caught a couple of episodes and got hooked! 🤣
…Maybe he knew every character and their backstory by heart! 🤣
…And that’s why he had it out for the TV! 🤣
…Can you imagine? 🤣
…Or maybe… he just buried the neighbor’s TV! 🤣
Part 7/28
Faggioli’s Office
(Pause. Faggioli suddenly turns sharply.)
FAGGIOLI (intensely)
And today… you come here telling me you got up at noon. And took a gas can.
A CAN YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!!
(Pause)
FAGGIOLI
And you mowed the lawn… with a lawnmower?
PAPAIA (disoriented)
I… I was just trying to clean up the garden…
FAGGIOLI
Clean up the garden! Hah! Clean up the garden!
TONY
Clean up the garden.
Clean up the garden.
Clean up the garden.
Clean up the garden.
Ahahahah!
(Silence. Faggioli slowly leans in close to Papaia’s face.)
FAGGIOLI (whispering)
The can spoke to you, Papaia.
And you didn’t listen.
IGOR
(sarcastically)
How did Faggioli know? I’ll tell you how: he talks to gas cans.
They’re his only real friends. 🤣
Part 8/28
Waiting Room
BANANI
If they were really that ancient… we shouldn’t find any trace of them!
PACO
Exactly.
RAVIOLI
And how did they discover this?
PACO
In 2000, scientists claimed to have “resurrected” some bacteria, called Lazarus bacteria, found inside a salt crystal conventionally dated at 250 million years.
BANANI
Resurrected? How did they do that?
PACO
It’s complicated… but the striking thing is that they were shocked to find that the DNA of these bacteria was very similar to that of modern bacteria.
BANANI
And why? Shouldn’t it be?
PACO
If today’s bacteria were the result of 250 million years of evolution, their DNA should be very different from that of the Lazarus bacteria—based on known mutation rates.
Part 9/28
FLASHBACK – Interior, Night – Faggioli’s Father’s House (Igor’s Imagination)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
(getting up from the table, inspecting each plate one by one)
Let’s see… empty… empty… empty…
(stops in front of the eldest brother’s plate)
What’s this?
FAGGIOLI’S OLDER BROTHER
(whispering, terrified)
A… a broccoli…
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
(ice-cold tone)
A broccoli…
(nods toward the mother)
FAGGIOLI’S MOTHER
(serious)
Food is not to be wasted.
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
Everyone on their knees. On the chickpeas.
YOUNG FAGGIOLI
(choked voice)
But… I ate all of mine…
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
(raising the pool cue like a ceremonial staff)
Family unity.
THE BROTHERS
(all together, kneeling, with desperate looks)
Yes… unity…
(30 minutes later)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
(impassive)
Hands forward.
BROTHER 1
Oh no! Now come the strikes!
BROTHER 2
No, no! With the pool cue!
BROTHER 3
This is the worst part!
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
(striking Faggioli’s hands with the cue)
One… (thwack)
Two… (thwack)
Three… (thwack)
FAGGIOLI
(reading the writing on the cue)
Brunswik… Elite… 53.
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
(yelling like a drill sergeant)
Lights out! Dead silence!
Part 10/28
Flashback – Faggioli’s Father’s House – Night – Igor’s Imagination (Continuation)
(All the children rush into their beds. The mother clears the table and silently cleans the kitchen. Then, looking exhausted, she crawls under the covers.)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
(looking around)
Ah, finally!
(He goes into the living room. There’s a pool table.)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
There you are! My cue!
(He arranges the balls on the table with surgical precision. Plays alone, calculating every angle, every rebound. Not a single missed shot.)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
Precision and study… that’s everything!
(He keeps playing. Sinks a ball into the pocket.)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
In life… there’s no room for mistakes!
(Another shot. He sinks the last ball.)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
That’s enough for today.
(He sets down the cue.)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
Ah… I’m so good!
Dad would be proud of me.
(He moves toward the couch. Sits down. Checks the clock. Turns on the TV.)
(“Dynasty” theme song plays.)
(For a second, the father freezes… then his expression changes: the hard stare melts into a mix of interest and emotional involvement. His eyes light up. He follows the episode with manic attention.)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
(muttering to himself)
There… Alexis with her schemes again… I knew it…
(scoffs)
And Blake? Still the same naïve fool.
And her… she still deludes herself…
(shakes his head, sighs like a life expert)
(The episode ends. The father stands up, turns off the TV. Walks to the storage room. Opens it. Takes out the hoe. Gently strokes it. Then carefully puts it back, like performing a ritual.)
FAGGIOLI’S FATHER
(muttering gravely before going to bed)
The earth… never betrays.
(He gives the house one last look. Total silence. Then retreats to his room, closing the door with a sharp click.)
End of Igor’s imagined flashback.
Part 11/28
Faggioli’s Office
PAPAIA
But excuse me, Faggioli… if you love hoeing the earth so much… why didn’t you become a farmer? 🤣
FAGGIOLI
Because… because…
IGOR
(interrupting, sarcastic)
Because psychologists get more vacation time. 🤣
(Faggioli stiffens. His gaze drifts into space. Then he speaks in a rough, different voice. It’s his father’s voice.)
FAGGIOLI (as his father)
“A man who leaves the land to tend to chatter… is not a man.
He’s weak. One who flees from duty.
In my house, we hoe. We eat what we grow.
And we keep quiet. Those who dream, who analyze… hoe less.
A psychiatrist… What a shame.” 🤣
PAPAIA
(Eyes wide open. Looks around, then at Faggioli.)
Eh? But…
Faggioli, are you okay?
FAGGIOLI
(in a different, younger, more fragile voice)
Dad, I… I just wanted to follow my dream.
To help people, you know? 🤣
FAGGIOLI (FATHER)
(hard, sharp voice)
Dream? Those who dream are lazy! Your place is here, hoeing the earth,
working with the hoe, not with empty words! 🤣
FAGGIOLI (himself)
But… those aren’t empty words, Dad,
the mind needs care, just like the body…
FAGGIOLI (FATHER)
Enough!
Anyone who leaves the hoe for the head is a traitor.
No one in my family is ashamed of the hoe! 🤣
(Papaia watches the dialogue wide-eyed and mouth open.)
FAGGIOLI
(whispering, lowering his gaze)
Alright, Dad…
FAGGIOLI (FATHER)
And now, immediately, punishment. You know well what you must do.
FAGGIOLI
Yes. Kneeling on chickpeas. 🤣
(Faggioli pulls a handful of dried chickpeas from his pocket and throws them on the floor. Then he kneels on them. 🤣)
FAGGIOLI
Sorry, Dad! Sorry, I won’t do it again.
(He stays like that for a few seconds, in front of Papaia’s incredulous eyes. Then he gets up. Picks up the chickpeas. Puts them back in his pocket.)
(A moment of silence. The atmosphere lightens. Faggioli catches his breath. His voice returns to normal.)
PAPAIA
(softly)
But… was he talking to himself?
FAGGIOLI
(as if waking from a dream)
Me? Look, it was you who were imitating your father. 🤣
PAPAIA
Me?
FAGGIOLI
Yes. Don’t you remember?
PAPAIA
But… it was you…
FAGGIOLI
Hmm… interesting. Seems like an unusual form of transference. 🤣
Part 12/28
Waiting Room
PACO
Not to mention that they found DNA still intact after the supposed 250 million years.
BANANI
As far as I know, DNA degrades quickly, even under ideal conditions.
PACO
Yes, that’s true. And even evolutionists agree that DNA in bacterial spores (a dormant state) shouldn’t last more than a million years.
RAVIOLI
I’d say their dilemma is pretty serious.
Part 13/28
Faggioli’s Office
(FAGGIOLI looks into the void again. Then his face shifts to a frightened expression, as if he’s seen a ghost.)
Still holding that same fixed and unsettling expression, he pulls out Tony the Sock.
TONY
(shrill, mocking voice)
So, Papaia… just a couple of questions… when you feel lonely… do you hug a pillow or start singing in Chinese?
PAPAIA
(looking confused)
…Excuse me, uh… am I supposed to answer… to the sock? 🤣
TONY
(offended)
What sock? I’m Tony! Your psychologist! And my question is clinical. Please answer. 🤣
IGOR
Yeah! Check it out. Tony’s even registered in the Sock Registry! 🤣
Papaia looks at Faggioli, who stays motionless, frozen in a mix of astonishment and terror.
PAPAIA
Uh… I think… maybe I hug the pillow?
TONY
Hmm… very good. And when you dream… do you often dream of giant broccoli or airport chases? 🤣
PAPAIA
(shaken, unsure whether to laugh or worry)
I… well, actually… I usually dream… I don’t know… normal stuff? Like… when I was a kid?
IGOR
No, Tony! Now you’re mixing him up with Ravioli! 🤣
TONY
When he was a kid. Good, good. And tell me, what will you do after we get you fired? 🤣
PAPAIA
I… honestly… don’t know… I thought I’d keep my job.
IGOR
(fake alarm)
Keep your job? Tony, call the stretcher-bearers! He’s nuts! 🤣
(pauses, softer)
Oh, and speaking of crazy, bring a hoe too… so Faggioli can calm down. 🤣
TONY
Nope. That’s not an option.
Part 14/28
Faggioli’s Office
PAPAIA
What? Faggioli told me he wants to fire me… I mean… help me! 🤣
IGOR
Papaia, you got it all wrong… I mean… never mind. 🤣
TONY
I have to tell you a secret.
PAPAIA
What secret?
TONY
(pointing at Faggioli)
Give him a slap. 🤣
PAPAIA
Who? Faggioli?
IGOR
(whispering, amused)
Oh! Finally some sensible advice… too bad it came from a sock. 🤣
TONY
Yeah. It’s a test. It’s important. A slap, but not a hard one.
PAPAIA
Are you sure? 🤣
IGOR
Actually… the question wasn’t whether to slap him or not.
BANANI
Oh no? Then what was it about?
IGOR
About doing it “gently.” Papaia was already ready to give a strong one… a really strong one! 🤣
TONY
Come on, what are you waiting for? There’s no time.
PAPAIA
Okay, whatever you say.
(Papaia slaps Faggioli lightly. But he remains motionless, eyes lost in the void, like a statue.)
Part 15/28
Faggioli’s Office
TONY
(whispering, looking around)
Good. Now we can talk. He can’t hear us.
PAPAIA
(perplexed)
Who… him?
TONY
Faggioli. He’s asleep. Sometimes it happens. He falls asleep and I can talk.
IGOR
Don’t be scared, Papaia.
It happens to Ravioli too. When he eats too much, he falls asleep and his pizza starts talking from his stomach! 🤣
PAPAIA
(somewhere between worried and curious)
Ah, I see. In that case… nice to meet you… Tony.
TONY
The pleasure is mine. Listen carefully because we don’t have much time. Faggioli could wake up at any moment.
PAPAIA
Okay. I’m listening. Go ahead.
TONY
Faggioli is not your friend. In fact, he hates you and wants to get you all fired.
PAPAIA
(eyes wide open)
What? 🤣
IGOR
(smiling)
Seriously? I thought he was Santa Claus… but with a hoe instead of a sleigh. 🤣
TONY
See those cameras back there?
PAPAIA
Yes. I saw them. Faggioli says they’re to record the session.
TONY
Hahaha! Poor fool! You understood nothing.
PAPAIA
What should I understand?
TONY
Faggioli is just trying to get you to talk about your problems so he can edit the video and make you look crazy!
PAPAIA
And how would he do that?
TONY
Come on, what world do you live in? Never heard of video editing, artificial intelligence?
PAPAIA
You’re telling me Faggioli wants to manipulate our words against us, sending a doctored video to our bosses?
TONY
Exactly! Didn’t you notice his slips of the tongue?
PAPAIA
(muttering)
Ah, that’s why! But… but I was opening up to him…
TONY
Mistake. Don’t trust him. He doesn’t listen. He studies you. He pretends. He lies.
But I’m telling you the truth. Be careful!
PAPAIA
(muttering, almost to himself)
Maybe I messed up everything… 🤣
IGOR
(fake shocked)
Papaia making a mistake? Never happened! 🤣
Part 16/28
Faggioli’s Office
Waiting Room
BANANI
Yes, but if the Earth is only 6,000 years old, this doesn’t surprise us at all.
PACO
Exactly. The discovery of the Lazarus bacteria isn’t shocking or surprising at all if we base our expectations on the Bible’s accounts.
RAVIOLI
For example, Noah’s Flood probably deposited the salt beds that hosted the bacteria.
BANANI
And if the Lazarus bacteria are only about 4,500 years old (the approximate time since the global flood), it’s much more likely that their DNA is still intact and similar to that of modern bacteria.
Part 17/28
Faggioli’s Office
TONY
Ssssh… don’t say anything more. He’s waking up. Bye!
PAPAIA
Bye, Tony.
Silence for a moment. Then Faggioli snaps out of his trance and puts Tony away with an automatic gesture.
FAGGIOLI
(Detached, as if nothing happened)
Where were we, Papaia?
PAPAIA
(Looks at him confused, halfway between suspicion and panic)
Uh… I think… we were talking about the lawnmower?
FAGGIOLI
Ah, yes. Tell me, Papaia, how does this thing work? The lawnmower… how do you adjust it? How long does the gas last? Do you have any idea what maintenance it needs?
PAPAIA
(Uncertain)
Uh… no, actually… I wouldn’t know… I just pushed some levers and hoped…
FAGGIOLI
(Sighs)
Exactly. The hoe never betrays you. My hoe is made of forged iron, olive wood handle… an extension of my arm.
PAPAIA
(Looks at him, a bit admiring)
Wow… you really know your hoe!
FAGGIOLI
(Proudly)
More than a tool, it’s a tradition. It tells you about the earth, makes you feel life. 🤣
IGOR
Sure… soon he’ll write a biography too… “Me and My Hoe: A Love Story.” 🤣
FAGGIOLI (ominously calm)
Do you want to see it… the hoe?
PAPAIA
What? You have a hoe? Here?
IGOR
Wrong answer! The right one was “no, thanks!” 🤣
Faggioli slowly bends under the desk. Sounds of objects moving, a metallic noise.
FAGGIOLI (standing up)
Here it is.
Life companion.
Queen of silence.
(He lifts a rusty hoe with a chipped handle and places it on the desk, right in front of Papaia.)
FAGGIOLI (quietly)
I use it to think.
To remember.
And… to bring order.
(Then, without warning, he raises the hoe and slams it hard on the floor, just inches from Papaia’s foot. CLANG!)
FAGGIOLI (with a crooked smile)
Don’t worry.
It hit the wrong tile.
IGOR
(raising an eyebrow)
Wrong… what do you mean?
(pause, softer)
Was there a “right” one? 🤣
(Papaia stiffens. Faggioli leans sideways, pressing the hoe handle between the floor tiles.)
Part 18/28
Faggioli’s Office
FAGGIOLI:
Some people… forget things.
The details.
The objects.
Then, one day, they even forget themselves.
(He strikes the floor again. TONK.)
FAGGIOLI (smiling without joy):
But not me.
I remember everything.
IGOR
(with fake cheerfulness)
Ah, good! So tomorrow you won’t forget to call the tiler! 🤣
(He approaches, hoe over his shoulder like a rifle.)
FAGGIOLI (in a low voice):
And if one day someone in here forgets… who the psychologist is…
Who keeps things in order…
Who has the hoe…
IGOR
(with innocent but sharp tone)
Tell me, Faggioli… this thing about the hoe on the tiles… do you do it often?
(pause, looking at the floor)
Just so I know if I should bring safety shoes next time… 🤣
(He lowers the hoe again, slowly, until it touches Papaia’s knee.)
FAGGIOLI (whispering):
Well, let’s say…
I’d hate to have to till something that walks.
(Tense silence. Faggioli suddenly straightens up.)
IGOR
(whispering, sarcastic)
Relax, Papaia… at worst you end up among the experimental crops… 🤣
… Maybe next time you bring a shovel instead. So they bury you right away. 🤣
… Yeah, because with Faggioli you either heal quickly or never heal at all! And judging by how it’s going, the “never” becomes permanent! 🤣
… Basically, Faggioli applies farming to psychology! 🤣
… Either the patient bears fruit… or, with his hoe, he treats them like weeds! 🤣
Part 19/28
INT. FAGGIOLI’S OFFICE – SHORTLY AFTER
(Faggioli is serious again. Papaia still sits, visibly tense. Faggioli slowly opens a drawer.)
FAGGIOLI (solemnly):
You were telling me you ate junk food on Sunday.
PAPAIA
Well… if you want to call it that.
FAGGIOLI
Do you know what the real problem is, Papaia?
Nutrition.
(Papaia looks puzzled.)
FAGGIOLI:
People eat poison.
Sugars, fried food, hydrogenated sauces!
But not me.
I eat as my father taught me.
(Dramatic pause. He opens the drawer fully. Pulls out a transparent container with a shapeless gray-green mass.)🤣
IGOR
(ironically)
Ah, sure… the “family tradition delicacy”… Faggioli’s famous “hoe pesto”! 🤣
FAGGIOLI (with teary eyes):
Boiled fish.
With broccoli.
No salt.
No joy.
(Papaia swallows dryly.)
FAGGIOLI (with growing fervor):
Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
From age three to seventeen.
My father put it on my plate.
He stared at me and said: “Chew, son. Chew and become a man.”
IGOR
(fake doubt)
But… are we sure it was fish?
Because… whatever it was… it worked… but in a strange way… fifty years later… 🤣
(serious tone, counting on fingers)
…I mean… the hoe in the office… the sock… the father’s voice bouncing in his head…
(pause, looking at Papaia)
I’d say the fish… left some… side effects. 🤣
…Basically, Faggioli’s childhood was less like a picnic in the garden… and more like an afternoon at Woodstock…
Just… without the music… and with more broccoli. 🤣
Part 20/28
Waiting Room
Ravioli
But what do evolutionists say?
Paco
Some have rejected the discovery and believe that the Lazarus bacteria are the result of contamination by modern bacteria.
Banani
Is that possible?
Paco
Yes. However, the scientists who discovered the bacteria defend the strict procedures they followed to avoid contamination.
Ravioli
So the scientists who made the discovery followed all the procedures to avoid contamination?
Paco
Yes, according to their statements. And these are evolutionist scientists.
Part 21/28
Faggioli’s Office
(Faggioli opens the container. A sharp vapor spreads through the room. Papaia coughs.)
FAGGIOLI (offended):
It’s pure!🤣
IGOR
(sarcastic, waving his hand in front of his nose)
Yeah… pure… like a chemical attack!🤣
(He takes a fork, plunges it into the fish, scoops up a soggy mush, and lifts it in the air like a trophy.)
FAGGIOLI:
The broccoli… is flavorful.
The boiled cod… is good.
Then he stops. Looks at Papaia.
FAGGIOLI (serious):
Taste it.
PAPAIA (sweating):
No, look, I’ve already had lunch—
FAGGIOLI (raising his voice):
TASTE IT!
It’s a nutritional order.
(He hands the fork to Papaia, trembling. Papaia takes the bite, reluctant. He chews slowly while Faggioli watches proudly.)
FAGGIOLI (moved):
You feel it, right?
The past.
Discipline.
Submission to the fibers.
PAPAIA (weakly):
…Tastes a bit like… wall…
FAGGIOLI (happy):
Perfect! It melts in your mouth. That means it’s cooked.
IGOR
What? The fish or your neurons?🤣
—
INTERIOR – FAGGIOLI’S OFFICE – MOMENTS LATER
(Faggioli stands up, approaches a shelf. He takes a slightly yellowed black-and-white photo.)
FAGGIOLI (looking at it with mystical respect):
See this?
This is my father.
(He hands the photo to Papaia. It shows a very stern man, bayonet-like mustaches, gaze that pierces the paper.)
BANANI
(fake surprise)
Strange… from how Faggioli talked about him… he seemed like such a friendly guy!🤣
IGOR
Yeah! Friendly like a billiard cue to the hand!🤣
Part 22/28
Faggioli’s Office
FAGGIOLI (voice breaking):
You know what my father used to do, Papaia?
He raised me with old-school methods.
When I messed up…
He made me kneel.
On chickpeas.
Dry ones.
(He puts his hand in his pocket, pulls out some dry chickpeas, and throws them on the floor between him and Papaia. PLLOP PLOP PLOP!)
FAGGIOLI (deep voice):
See, Papaia. Your problem is you need discipline.
PAPAIA
What do you mean?
FAGGIOLI (raising his voice):
KNEEL ON THE CHICKPEAS! RIGHT NOW!
PAPAIA (alarmed):
Me?
IGOR
(deadpan irony)
Papaia kneeling on chickpeas? Wasn’t there an app to avoid this stuff?🤣
FAGGIOLI:
Or maybe do you want to see some more of the hoe?
PAPAIA:
No, no!
FAGGIOLI (whispering):
Kneel down!
(Papaia, terrified, kneels on the chickpeas. He emits a faint groan.)
PAPAIA:
Ouch… it hurts…
FAGGIOLI:
It must hurt! That’s good for discipline!
IGOR
(mocking tone)
Yeah, and maybe one day you’ll thank him… when you still remember where your knees are.🤣
Faggioli circles around Papaia and stops behind him.
FAGGIOLI:
See, Papaia, to me you’re like a son.
PAPAIA (in pain):
Ah… really?
IGOR
(surprised tone)
Like a son?
So should we expect a Christmas call… asking for money?🤣
FAGGIOLI:
Really. This is for your own good. One day you’ll thank me.
PAPAIA:
One day, maybe, but not today.
IGOR
“For your own good”… Haha! I told you!🤣
While Papaia stays kneeling in pain on the chickpeas, Faggioli pulls out the hoe and stands behind Papaia, unseen.
FAGGIOLI:
Good boy! Chickpeas and discipline!
IGOR:
Papaia… if you want, I can send you the recipe later… so at least you eat them.🤣
…Relax Papaia… look on the bright side… at least they’re not thumbtacks.🤣
…Well, he wanted to cut the grass… now he’s fertilizing with pain.🤣
…I bet next medical checkup… they’ll find chickpea prints on your kneecaps.🤣
…Can’t there be like… a soft version… with frozen peas?🤣
…Papaia came for a psychological evaluation… but ended up doing a fakir internship.🤣
Part 23/28
Faggioli’s Office
Faggioli raises the hoe. He lowers it slowly, almost grazing the back of Papaia’s neck, who looks unknowingly toward the wall. Then suddenly, he raises the hoe again, determined to strike.
FAGGIOLI (father’s voice)
Good boy! Just like in the old days.
FAGGIOLI (Tony’s voice)
Stop! What are you doing? You promised me you wouldn’t do it again!
IGOR
(with fake enthusiasm)
Faggioli! Now that’s an original way to file a patient!🤣
…straight to the “organic fertilizer” department!🤣
Then he stops. He rethinks it. And puts the hoe away.
Suddenly, he comes back to himself. He looks around amazed, as if he’d forgotten everything.
IGOR
(ironically)
No, no! It’s all a misunderstanding…
…Faggioli was just trying to… uh… prune his thoughts.🤣
…actually… the blow to the head was just a new procedure…
…remove the brain… remove the problems!🤣
…but then he changed his mind. Why?
Obviously! Papaia, you never had a brain anyway!🤣
…At that point… he just wanted to know what’s in your head…
(pause, with a smirk)
Spoiler: nothing interesting.🤣
FAGGIOLI (confused)
…But what are you doing?
(Papaia looks up, incredulous. He stays kneeling, silent.)
FAGGIOLI (studying him)
Kneeling… on legumes?🤣
Interesting.
(He pulls out a notebook and takes notes.)
(Looks at him with fake affection.)
FAGGIOLI
Don’t worry, Mr. Papaia. We’re here to fire you… uh… I meant… help you.🤣
IGOR
He meant… hoe you better, Papaia!🤣
Part 24/28
Waiting Room
Ravioli
So how do they explain it?
Paco
They claim the ancient age is valid if the bacteria had longer generation times, different mutation rates, and/or selective pressures similar to modern bacteria. Naturally, these “rescue devices” are just conjectures to make the data fit their worldview.
Banani
Are you saying that to avoid questioning the 250 million-year dating, they hypothesize special and hard-to-verify scenarios?
Paco
Yes. For example, they hypothesize that bacteria reproduced much more slowly compared to modern bacteria, so they would have accumulated fewer mutations over time.
Ravioli
So their DNA would have changed much more slowly than that of today’s bacteria?
Paco
Yes, or the environmental conditions would have “pushed” both types of bacteria to remain genetically very similar despite the time passed.
Ravioli
Have they found any evidence to verify this hypothesis?
Paco
No. These are just assumptions.
Part 25/28
Faggioli’s Office
Faggioli rubs his hands together.
FAGGIOLI: Well, well, well!
FAGGIOLI: Mr. Papaya. You’ve told me many things today. I could already have you fired with this material…🤣
…Uh… I mean… I could already speak in your favor to the higher-ups. But I need the cherry on top to be sure you lose your job…🤣
…uh… I mean… to make sure everything works out for you.
PAPAIA: Cherry on top?
FAGGIOLI: Well actually, it’s the main reason you’re here with me today.
Faggioli pauses for what feels like an eternity.
IGOR
(sarcastically, to Faggioli)
Faggioli… please… enough with this cherry on top thing…
Why don’t you invent an analogy more… yours?
Like… I don’t know… “The final hoe strike”…
Or “The career-shovel blow”…
(pause)
…because the concept’s the same! 🤣
PAPAIA: Tell me.
FAGGIOLI: Let’s talk about your interest in creationism.
PAPAIA: No, no! I have no interest in creationism.
FAGGIOLI: Really? And what about that note in your report? What does it mean when you say the Big Bang model should be reconsidered?
PAPAIA: I don’t know. If the numbers don’t add up, maybe the Big Bang isn’t the right explanation.
Part 26/28
Faggioli’s Office
Faggioli: And what do you say about this email, which arrived to one of your colleagues?
Papaia turns pale. Faggioli swivels the monitor to show him an email.
Papaia reads:
Subject: Urgent reflections on the Hubble constant
Dear colleagues,
I have reviewed the latest data on the Hubble tension and I must admit there is something that doesn’t add up. The models don’t match, the predictions diverge.
After long analyses, I believe I have something important in my hands. Perhaps inconvenient.
The evidence I am gathering clearly indicates that the universe was created by an intelligent force, just as described in the Book of Genesis.
Yes, I’m talking about the God of the Bible.
Soon I will be ready to share the details.
Respectfully,
Prof. Papaia
Papaia (wide-eyed): But… how did he get that email? It was private!
Faggioli (smiling, pleased): Ah, Papaia… the juiciest truths never come alone. NASAL hired an outside consultant to investigate certain… anomalies in your scientific reports.
Papaia: A consultant?
Faggioli: A detective, to be exact. He worked undercover. Gained your trust. Asked you about your experiments… your theories…
Papaia (confused): Wait… you’re not talking about… Talponi?
Faggioli (nodding slowly): That’s the one.
Papaia (horrified): But Talponi is… I thought he was my friend… during coffee breaks!🤣
IGOR
(with ironic tone, spreading his arms)
The guy’s name was “Talponi”…
I mean… just from the name, you should have asked yourself some questions, right? 🤣
Faggioli: Talponi did a great job. He transmitted every message, every weird speech, every eccentric theory.
And this email was the cherry on top. The one that nails you!
Papaia (shaken): I can’t believe it… it was all a trick?
IGOR
(with fake sorrow)
Yes… all a trick, Papaia…
Even that time he told you he didn’t have change for coffee…
…oh yes! Because his pockets were full of microphones!🤣
Part 27/28
Faggioli’s Office
Faggioli (approaching the desk slowly, steepling his fingers): You see, Mr. Papaia… at NASAL we’re not interested in scientists who think outside the box. We want people who follow orders. Who stick to procedures. Who don’t question the scaffolding on which our respectability stands.
Igor: Scaffolding? Which one? The one made of funding?🤣
Papaia (with a sad tone): I understand…
Faggioli (firmly): That means no more Bible God at work. No more alternative theories.
Papaia (lowering his gaze): Alright. I promise I won’t do it again. I’ll follow the rules. I’ll… stay within the lines.
Faggioli: Very well. Then you may go.
Papaia (standing up, uncertain): But… what about the evaluation? The final test result?
Faggioli (without looking up, flipping through some papers): We will let you know.
Tony: Yeah, maybe in a dream. If you dream really bad! Ha, ha!🤣
Papaia leaves the room.
Part 28/28
Waiting Room
IGOR
What did Faggioli write in his notes?
We’ll never know. But we do have public reviews on Tripadvisor:🤣
“Threats with a hoe included, rustic atmosphere.” ★★☆☆☆
“The bully sock judged me the whole time.” ★☆☆☆☆
“Kneeling on chickpeas? Never again, but at least I learned the value of discipline.” ★★☆☆☆
“Sometimes there’s a slip-up… like when they tell you your sanity is gone but it’s not true.” ★★★☆☆
“Watch out for video editing: you could look crazy without even trying. They send the DVD to you and your neighbors.” ★☆☆☆☆
…but we also have satisfied patients.
“Incredible experience! We went to hoe the NASAL garden… then, without warning, he made me kneel on chickpeas! Fantastic! The best part? When he turned into the father… emotional, unsettling… authentic! Recommended for those who want strong emotions… and who don’t care much about their kneecaps! I’ll definitely come back! Maybe next time I’ll bring my friends… I mean, I would if I had any!”
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Experience… horrible… no… fantastic! When I arrived I thought: ‘Why did I do this?’… then I realized it was exactly what I didn’t need… I mean… I did need it, yes! Faggioli is a monster… of skill… or maybe just a monster… with a hoe… I mean, with a degree. If you don’t improve, he threatens you with the hoe… no… he encourages you with therapy. Sometimes he makes you kneel on chickpeas… I mean… compared to your problems. He just wasted my time… I mean… helped me lose my complexes. He has a talking sock. Ridiculous… I mean… brilliant. He has more problems than me… no wait… more knowledge. I came out worse than when I went in… I mean… better… I mean… who knows…
Anyway: if you want to ruin yourself… I mean… heal… come here. Highly recommended… or maybe not… your call!”
★☆☆☆☆
…I mean
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐