Faggioli’s Lemon

Three scientists — Papaia, Banani, and Ravioli — and their assistant Igor, who work at NASAL, begin taking an interest in creationism. Their superiors, concerned, send them to a psychologist: Professor Faggioli, a shady character determined to get them fired by making them look insane.

We’re in Professor Faggioli’s office, where Ravioli is undergoing evaluation.

Ravioli was talking about a fish-based dinner.

[Back to the NASAL office. Faggioli adjusts his glasses, staring sternly at Ravioli.]

Faggioli (scribbling nervously):

“Tell me, Mr. Ravioli… was there lemon… on the sea bass?”

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Ravioli (thinking for a second):

“Actually… there were onions.”

[Silence. The distant ticking of a clock. Faggioli’s eyes widen, he knocks his pen off the table, then jumps to his feet.]

Faggioli (bursting into a theatrical monologue):

“Onions? Onions?!

On sea bass?? That’s sacrilege!

Gastronomic blasphemy!

A barbaric act against the natural order of flavors!”

[He starts pacing, agitated, like a lawyer delivering a fiery closing argument.]

Faggioli (building up):

“Lemon, Mr. Ravioli! Lemon is harmony!

It’s purity, balance — it is… it is the very essence of maritime civilization!

And what does that reckless excuse of a chef use?

Onions! Pestilence! Invasion! The collapse of culinary dignity!”

[He stops, panting, a hand clutching his chest.]

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Faggioli (tragically, gazing at the ceiling):

“What will become of us, Mr. Ravioli,

if we can no longer trust a simple baked sea bass?”

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[Dramatic pause. Ravioli stares, unsure whether to answer… or flee.]

Ravioli (carefully):

“…I hid it anyway.”

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Igor:

“Faggioli lost his mind over onions on a sea bass instead of lemon…

If they’d served him canned fish, he probably would’ve fainted.”

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